


A Hostage Crisis

by nanda (nandamai)



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Aliens Make Them Do It, Cultural Differences, Established Relationship, F/M, Humor, Prompt Fic, Season/Series 09
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-03-13
Updated: 2007-03-13
Packaged: 2017-11-15 14:17:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,680
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/528201
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nandamai/pseuds/nanda
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which aliens may or may not let them do it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Hostage Crisis

**Author's Note:**

> Or, Daniel's Favorite Fieldwork Interview Ever.

Well, didn’t that just figure.

“You _require_ two of us to stay behind?” Jack repeated.

“Merely as a token of our people’s friendship, General O’Neill,” said Joma, the high priestess, with a broad smile.

Just a couple hours, Jack, the president had said. They asked for you specifically, Jack. You’re going to Colorado anyway, Jack.

Fuck that.

“Forgive me, Mistress Joma, but I don’t believe we’ve ever discussed leaving hostages,” Daniel said in his most appeasing tone.

Joma drew back, shocked. “Oh, they will not be hostages, Doctor Jackson! They will be highly esteemed guests and treated as family, just as you have been, and free to come and go from our city as they please.”

“But not to go home,” Jack said. He met Carter’s eyes, then Teal’c's, silently asking for their assessment.

“It is the way we have always marked such occasions on our planet,” said Joma’s assistant, a solemn young man dressed in blue robes.

“You just took us by surprise, Mistress Joma,” Daniel said. “This was not a requirement when our peoples first signed the treaty five years ago.”

“We feared you before,” Joma said. “We do no longer. Please allow us to share our hospitality with our trusted friends, the Tau’ri of Earth.” Her red clothing fluttered in the warm sea breeze blowing through the open windows. “If you like, General, we will send two of our number through the _chappa’ai_ to your planet, as well. Any of us would be honored to visit your home.”

SG-1 looked at Jack expectantly, and he frowned back at them. Teal’c gave a small nod. Carter tilted her head in a way that meant she didn’t have a problem with it. Vala’s eyes were lit up and Jack could practically hear her saying _Pick me, pick me!_ Mitchell just watched him, still a little in awe of Jack though he seemed to have gotten over his hero worship of the others. Balinsky, making a guest appearance, bounced on the balls of his feet; no doubt an extra day in the 5,000-year-old city would make the guy’s year.

Daniel stepped closer to Jack and spoke softly, though everybody in the room could still hear everything. Damn acoustics. “Any number of societies exchange hostages as a diplomatic tool, and it does appear in the recorded history here. I’m sure they’re telling the truth about treating them well.”

“ _Probably_ ,” Jack said. It was his job to worry about these things. Well, not so much _his_ job anymore, but old habits and all.

“The only time they were ever hostile was at first contact,” Carter said. “And the renewal of the treaty is very important to them.”

“Maybe they’re afraid we won’t go through with it, Sir,” Mitchell said. “We did freak them out by telling them about the Ori.”

“Maybe it’ll be more exciting than spring break in Cancún,” Vala said. As one, they all turned to face her. “What?” she said. “I watch your internet.”

Jack suppressed a shudder and deleted that image from his brain immediately. 

“Okay, okay,” he said. It was only one night, and it wasn’t like this place was the pit of hell. Sunny, good scenery, reasonably civilized people, and the food hadn’t made anyone puke. That he knew of, anyway.

Whom to leave was a lot harder to figure out.

Daniel had to go home to brief the diplomats before they arrived in the morning. Mitchell could get himself into trouble faster than Daniel could. Vala was … Vala. Jack didn’t even know why Balinsky was here; nice kid, smart, but Jack wasn’t willing to put that much trust in a civilian scientist he’d never observed in the field before. Carter and Teal’c could certainly be trusted not to cause an interplanetary incident. But …

But Jack and Carter had each wrangled a couple days’ leave, starting the second they finished this little favor for the president, and there was no way Jack was spending one of those two nights alone. He hadn’t had sex in weeks. _Weeks._

Joma and her many attendants had their eyes glued on Jack. He looked out the window at the perfect weather, and then, surreptitiously, at Carter.

Oh, now there’s an idea, he thought. 

“Carter and I’ll stay,” Jack announced, making sure to sound dejected at the terrible inconvenience.

She said, “We will?” and Daniel and Mitchell both said, “You will?” — all at the same time.

“I thought you were eager to return to Earth, O’Neill,” Teal’c said. Teal’c always saw right through Jack, even when Jack thought he was being sneaky. He shot Teal’c a quick glare that he knew would do no good whatsoever.

“Ah! It is settled, then!” Joma said. “If you will all remain here for a short time and enjoy the refreshments, we will select two who shall accompany you.” And she swept out with half of her attendants, in a blue and red flurry of excitement.

“Is that really necessary?” Daniel asked.

Jack shrugged. “It’s a cultural exchange. They’ll tell their grandchildren about it.” 

“And you want to make absolutely sure they won’t chop your heads off as soon as we’re gone,” Vala said helpfully.

“And that,” Jack admitted.

Carter did not look thrilled. Well, he’d fix that soon enough. The rest of the team stared at them with varying degrees of amusement, or confusion, in Balinsky’s case. Jack fiddled with his P-90 under their scrutiny, tapped his foot for a few beats. 

He cleared his throat. “Carter? A word?” At the glass doors he turned back to see the team still staring, and said, “Talk amongst yourselves.”

They emerged into an excruciatingly ordered garden. “Just — look, Carter,” Jack said before she could object. “Do the math. Who else could I have left?”

She thought for no more than three-quarters of a second. “Oh.”

“See? And,” he waggled his eyebrows at her, “I should get points for not wanting to spend the night without you, when tomorrow is, you know.” The anniversary of their first date, which Jack wasn’t about to say aloud. It would make him sound sappy.

Carter rolled her eyes, but Jack knew those points were already his. Score.

“There’s just one problem with your plan, Jack,” she said. 

Yes, he thought, it was entirely possible he’d overlooked something. “Oh?”

“You do remember how segregated the males and the females are on this planet?”

“Of course,” he said. Daniel had written reams and reams about it after every visit; SG-1 had always slept in a tent outside the city walls, to avoid being separated. They hadn’t brought a tent this time, but how much trouble could it be? “We can get around that.” 

“Without risking the treaty?” Her face betrayed only infinite patience, but Jack had a feeling the joke, whatever it turned out to be, was on him.

“Oh, we’ll just tell them we’re married or something,” he said. Close enough. 

She raised an eyebrow and went into lecture mode. “Jack, in the homes here, the men and women are housed in separate wings, with a courtyard in between. Even the children. No matter how poor the family is.” 

That did sound vaguely familiar to Jack. “Well …” He thought fast, watching his brilliant plan slip through his fingers. “We’ll just explain that our customs are different. I’m sure they won’t mind.” 

Carter shook her head dubiously. “Maybe I should do the explaining,” she said. 

There was a knock on the glass; Mitchell, calling them back indoors. Joma had returned with the high councilor and his wife, both carrying small travel bags. The high councilor looked terrified; his wife was nearly bursting with glee.

Well, that was a good sign. There probably wouldn’t be any chopping off of heads if they were sending people they considered to be of equal importance to a U.S. general.

“Jack, are you sure you want to do this?” Daniel asked, looking back and forth between him and Carter.

“It’ll be fine, Daniel,” Carter said.

“She likes the beach,” Jack said with half a shrug.

Daniel still hesitated. “Well, if you’re sure …”

“We’re big kids now, Daniel,” Jack said, waving him away with the others. 

As SG-1 trooped out with Balinsky on their heels, Carter pulled the high priestess aside. “Mistress Joma, could we speak with you for a moment?”

“Yes, of course, Colonel Carter. How may I help?”

Carter’s cheeks went a little pink. “I know it’s your custom to house men and women separately, and we respect your ways very much. But our custom is different and we were wondering if it might be possible to make an exception? As long as it won’t offend you, of course.”

Joma looked perplexed. “You and General O’Neill are married?” 

“We’re … mated, yes,” Carter said, avoiding Jack’s eyes. She never had been very good at lying.

“Then you wish to share the mating chamber?”

“Excuse me?” Carter asked as politely as possible, but Jack heard her voice squeak.

Joma smiled brightly. “In our homes, there is one room in which the husband and wife may come together, at the first waxing of our larger moon.”

“Wait,” Jack said. “They come together one night a month?” Though that was still more than Jack had been getting lately. 

“It is when the wife is most fertile, of course,” Joma explained. “Your custom is different?”

“Yes,” Carter said. “Our custom is very, very different.”

“Our custom,” Jack said, ignoring Carter’s warning glance, “is that the couple may come together when the moon is waning,” and he’d never been so grateful for his little astronomical hobby. One of the moons here was already waning, and the other was full. Seeing the confusion in Joma’s face, he added, “We’ve only got one.”

“I see,” she said, and she did appear sympathetic. Maybe this would be as easy as Jack had first thought, after all.

Joma made a move for the door. “The council is still in session. I shall explain your custom and ask if they will allow exceptional use of the mating chamber for our guests.”

“You have to discuss it with the council?” Carter said in a strangely high tone. “It’s okay, we’ll just –”

Jack swept in and took her hand. “Darling,” he said. Carter gave him a look. “I’m sure the council doesn’t mind.”

“Oh, no,” Joma said. “We wish you to enjoy your stay, and I respect your custom as you respect ours. I hope, for the sake of our alliance, that the councilors will be favorable.”

“Oh,” Carter said, clearly at a loss. “Thank you.”

“It may take several hours for a decision to be reached,” Joma said. “Please, make yourselves at home. If you don’t mind, General, Colonel, our secretary of intelligence would very much like to discuss the Ori threat further, but afterwards I hope you will go where you like. Please be certain to ask if you require any assistance.” 

“We will, thank you,” Jack said.

Joma told them she would see them at the evening meal and hurried away.

“You do realize,” Carter said to Jack, “that we’re about to be enshrined in their official government history just because you can’t keep your hands off me?”

Jack didn’t really care, as long as he got to put his hands on her later. A lot. Besides, he wasn’t the only one with the hands-off problem. He grinned at her.

Her lips quirked, and she stepped away from him as the secretary entered.

***

After an hour of fielding questions about the Ori — and Jack was happy to let Carter do most of the fielding — they wandered pleasantly through the market district for a while, then followed the narrow path to the beach. 

The locals were terrified of the ocean, which Daniel said was because of ancient floods, and Carter said probably had more to do with carnivores. Very eager carnivores, Jack discovered when he stuck a branch into the breaking waves to see what would happen. It came up studded with foot-long fish that looked like sharks, their jaws all solidly clamped to the wood. Jack let them have it, for all the good it would do them, and then joined Carter by the breakwater, well above the high tide mark.

It was sunset when they headed back for dinner. The city was walled, and perched on a high artificial hill that, Daniel had told them all several times, had started its life as a huge burial mound. Jack preferred not to think about that. He and Carter climbed the steep steps to the main gate, nodding at the two posted guards, and passed through the shady streets. As they walked, people stopped whatever they were doing — cooking, shopping, gossiping — to stare at them. Many said hello, and many more offered big smiles. It was a bit creepy, Jack thought; they’d been friendly enough before, but this was new.

He made a point of walking closer to Carter, their shoulders brushing occasionally. They passed a group of grinning women, half of whom called out, “Good luck to you, friends!” and she tightened her grip on her weapon. 

“Jack,” she said under her breath. 

He turned his head to ask what she thought was going on, and found what looked like a large, extended family cheering them on. 

Oh. Shit. “You don’t think …” he started.

“I do.”

Her thesis was proven as they turned into the main hall. It was full of priestesses, government officials, and their spouses, all offering good wishes and advice.

It was one thing, Jack reflected as he and Carter shook hands with a dozen people they’d never met, for strangers to be aware you were sleeping together in a general sense. It was entirely different for a whole planet to know your schedule down to the hour.

Maynar, deputy to the high councilor, sidled up to them, radiating joy. “Ah, you have returned! I am told you visited the ocean, and I feared for your safety. But you are well, I see!”

“Yes,” Carter and Jack said together, stunned.

“I am thrilled to officially inform you that” — and here he raised his voice above the crowd, turning slightly so they could all see him — “your request to make use of the mating chamber this night has been approved by the council.” 

There was an enthusiastic round of applause. “This is your fault,” Carter muttered.

Jack had to admit she was right.

“Mistress Joma’s assistants will show you to the chamber as soon as we conclude the evening meal,” Maynar continued. “We do hope you enjoy yourselves.” And he winked at Jack.

“May you bear many children!” somebody called out.

“Many daughters! Large sons!” said another.

Carter’s eyes nearly popped out of her head.

Joma was also in a mood to celebrate. “You have a family on your planet, yes?” she asked, thankfully in a more conversational tone, as she joined them. The crowd settled down and people resumed their discussions in smaller groups.

“ _No_.” Carter said.

“No, no children,” Jack said. 

The priestess looked stricken. “Your efforts have been unsuccessful?” 

Their efforts had been very successful, as far as Jack was concerned. Kids wouldn’t even be an option until he and Carter were living in the same zip code again. 

“How long have you been married?” Joma asked.

Jack started to say, _A year tomorrow_ , which was true, except for the married part. But Carter cut in first. “Our customs are different,” she said, clearly hoping that would detour the conversation.

“Ah, you are required to wait, then?” Maynar said.

“Something like that,” Carter said tightly. Jack had learned over the years that after building her life around a high-stress career and putting up with a lot of sexism in the military, Carter got very, very touchy with anyone who suggested it was her duty to reproduce.

“But are you not approaching the end of your childbearing years?” Joma asked.

Oh boy. Jack grasped Carter’s hand and held on tight, attempting damage control. “No!” he said. “Nowhere near! Lots of years left. Lots!”

Carter twisted his hand in her grip. “You should stop talking now,” she whispered.

Jack was saved from swallowing his foot whole — or losing a few fingers — by the arrival of a couple who introduced themselves as Eiya, a councilwoman, and her husband Kerroll. “So what do you plan on doing this evening?” Eiya asked Carter.

Kerroll, Jack thought, was trying hard not to laugh. Carter was still pretty red in the face.

“I thought everyone knew what we were doing,” Jack said.

“Of course,” Eiya laughed. “But surely your people have more than one way of mating?”

“Oh, yes,” Jack said. “Many ways.” And describing one would pretty much guarantee that Jack never got to attempt any of them again. He bit down on his lips. He was, unfortunately for him, starting to see the humor in this situation.

“We don’t usually plan it out in advance,” Carter said. Then quickly added, “On our planet. I mean, everyone on our planet. Not just us.”

“A shame,” Kerroll said. “It would be so interesting to learn something new!”

Jack lost the fight and broke out in a grin. These people were nuts.

“It’s not funny, Jack,” Carter whispered.

“Oh, yes, it is.” At her pained expression, he added, “I’m not going to tell them anything truly personal. You know that.”

She sighed a long-suffering sigh.

As they were seated for dinner, he patted her knee under the table and promised, “They’ll leave us alone in an hour or two, anyway.” 

***

Or not. Over dinner, Maynar gave a speech extolling the virtues of the Tau’ri and the significance of the treaty. Joma sermonized on the responsibilities of marriage, and just about everyone in the place stopped by to interrogate Jack and Carter, or offer a toast to virility and fertility. It was more than three hours before the guests began slipping away. 

Jack hadn’t been here in a few years, but he was sure meals had never taken this long before. He leaned close to Carter to ask her.

“They’re recreating the ritual meal they have on their mating day,” she said. She had Eiya on her other side and had learned a whole lot, apparently. 

“Wait, this whole show is for us?”

“Pretty much.” She waved a long, yellow slice of some vegetable at him. “Still your fault.”

“You’ll thank me later,” he said, patting her knee again.

Two small hands fell on Jack’s shoulders. “Come, come,” a young female voice said behind him. “It is time for you to mate!”

He turned to find a pair of priestesses, neither more than fifteen years old, coaxing him and Carter to stand. “We must prepare you,” the younger one said.

 _Prepare us?_ Jack mouthed to Carter.

“Goodnight, General, Colonel!” Maynar said from across the room. “Enjoy yourselves!” 

“Be fertile!” Eiya said. “May you have many daughters and large sons!”

Voices all around the table echoed, “Many daughters! Large sons!”

“Our gods smile on you this night,” said Joma, who was seated nearby. “Your mating is blessed.”

“Come, come!” the priestesses said again. Jack and Carter were escorted out of the reception hall to applause and more than a few catcalls.

“Happy anniversary,” Jack said quietly to Carter while they followed their guides.

“ _Jack._ ”

He chuckled and took her hand. The moons were both rising in the eastern sky. 

“Ah, here we are,” said the older of the two priestesses. Like the others, they were dressed in blue robes. They hurried Jack and Carter into a steaming room with a huge, full tub. “We will now assist you to bathe,” she said. “And then we shall help you dress and –”

“ _No_ ,” Carter said. 

“What she means,” Jack said, “is that our custom is different,” which was turning out to be one hell of a useful phrase around here.

The girls looked horrified. “You do not require a bath before mating? But you must cleanse your –”

“No, thank you,” Carter said. “If you could just show us to our room?”

The older girl eyed Carter, apparently deciding this was a woman she did not want to mess with. “Very well,” she said, and led them across the bathroom, through another door. This room was blue, too, with blindingly white sheets on the bed, but Jack didn’t have a chance to see anything else because one of the priestesses seemed determined to strip him. 

“No, really, we don’t need …” Jack tried to say.

It was too late. His vest was already off, and his cap. The girl guided him to sit on a window seat and started on his boots.

Carter was in a similar state, her BDUs down around her ankles. As he watched her helper lift one bare foot, then the other, Jack caught a long expanse of leg and thought this might not be a bad thing. But when the priestess brought out two very thin pieces of cloth and announced that she would show Carter how to wear them, Jack knew Carter’s patience was just about up.

“No, really,” she was saying. “I don’t need help. Please.” She was down to her underwear, standard military-issue cotton, and holding the girl an arm’s length away.

“I’m sorry, girls.” Jack stilled his priestess’ hands. “No more help. We’re honored, but it isn’t necessary. We’ll sleep like this.”

“It’s fine, really,” Carter said, smiling a very forced smile.

The priestesses were lost. “But you must be properly dressed!” the younger one said. 

The older one asked, “Do you not wish your massage?”

“ _No_ ,” Jack said. A massage didn’t sound half bad, to be honest, but he’d much rather have it from Carter. “You’ve been very helpful, but we can take it from here.”

“But the oils will make you most fertile.”

Carter’s eyebrows shot up towards her hair.

“We have our own fertility ritual,” Jack said. It consisted of one shot every three months. “We can perform it all by ourselves.”

The girls looked at each other. “If this is your wish,” the older one said, obviously unconvinced. “We do not wish to offend our honored guests.” She waved to the younger, who turned down the sheets and drew the curtains, blocking out the moonlight. 

“Come, Lura,” the older one said, and the two of them retreated to the end of the room, sat cross-legged on a big cushion, and stared.

“Um,” Jack said.

“Are you …” Carter started. She fluttered one hand in their general direction. “Do you plan to stay there?”

“Yes, of course.” The girls exchanged a puzzled look. “We must monitor the mating.” 

“You must monitor …” Carter didn’t seem able to finish that sentence.

“What, to make sure we do it right?” Jack said.

“Yes!” They nodded, happy to be understood at last. “To ensure that your mating is successful.”

“Successful,” Carter murmured. Then, “It’s … we’ll be fine on our own, really.” 

“We’ve been doing this a long time,” Jack added. “I swear to your gods we won’t mess it up.”

“Oh, no, we cannot allow that. Mistress Joma told us specifically that we were to observe you with great care, and inform the council of your method. It is an honor for you.” And she blinked. 

“Of course it is,” Jack said, just about resigned to their fate. Arguing obviously wouldn’t get them far, and they couldn’t risk offending Joma or the council. And the girls were not at all abashed at “observing,” not that they’d have anything to observe at this rate.

He took Carter’s hand and led her to the bed, her jaw still hanging open. They climbed in, Jack spooning himself around her, and waited for somebody to turn off the lights.

It slowly dawned on Jack that nobody intended to.

“You need the lights to observe us properly, don’t you?” Carter asked on a long sigh, propping herself up on her elbows.

The priestesses nodded eagerly. They liked their jobs, it seemed.

Carter moaned and fell back on the pillows, pulling the covers over her head. Jack followed.

“You know what, Carter?” he said. “I really don’t think I’m in the mood.”

***

The older girl woke them early, promising not to inform Joma or the council that their mating had been unsuccessful. 

“That’s … very kind of you,” Jack said. He’d long since stopped finding anything funny here. “Thank you.” 

Carter was already fumbling to put on her clothes, which had mysteriously been cleaned during the night, and as soon as Jack was dressed she nearly ran outside.

“These people are _nuts_ , Carter.” Jack did his best eyebrow waggle and said, “Want to sneak back to the beach?”

Instead of the sexy smile Jack had unrealistically hoped for, Carter checked her watch. “The diplomatic team will be here any minute.”

“Oh, screw them.” 

But she grabbed his arm and tugged him in the direction of the reception hall. She seemed to lose her taste for breakfast, though, when they were greeted by a roomful of knowing smirks. 

“You must tell us all about your mating!” Eiya told Carter, pulling her away to a small group of very inquisitive females. Carter looked helplessly at Jack over her shoulder. 

Jack found some dark bread and a dark corner, where he intended to hide until it was time to go home. Yes, he was chickenshit. He fully admitted this.

It was five peaceful minutes before Kerroll and Maynar tracked him down, hoping for an interrogation. But SG-9 showed up just in time, along with the State Department representative. And Daniel. _Thank god._

“Daniel!” Jack made a beeline across the room to his friend. “You will not _believe_ the night I’ve had, Daniel.”

If Jack had expected sympathy, he didn’t get it. Daniel was grinning hugely and bubbling over with some thrilling news. “Oh, I’ve heard all about it, Jack.”

“You — wait. What?”

“Maynar met us at the gate and explained your request.”

Oh, good god.

“He said they all enjoyed last night’s celebration very much.”

“Yes, Daniel, I’m sure they did.” Jack slung his hands into his pockets and leaned against the wall, half hoping he’d become invisible. And Carter, too, of course.

A priestess brought fruit and Daniel accepted a plate eagerly, offering some to Jack. “No? Not hungry? That’s too bad. Well, Jack, they were thrilled with the excuse for a party. It’s usually just once a month.”

“You don’t say.” 

“Maynar was very confused, though. Why, he asked, would you not just sneak around like everyone else does?”

Wait a minute. “Like everyone else?” 

Daniel sucked on a peach-like thing and wiped the juice off his chin with the back of his hand. “They grow nice produce here, don’t they?”

“ _Daniel_. Out with it. Now.”

“I didn’t understand him at first, of course,” Daniel said, pausing to take another bite. Jack was going to kill him. “I had to ask what he meant. But it seems that while the priestesses take the mating chamber business very seriously — the rituals you experienced were authentic; I’ll have to interview you about them — pretty much everybody else just quietly ignores the once-a-month thing.” He popped a berry into his mouth. “Like American Catholics and birth control, I guess. Anyway, they found it very amusing that you asked the council’s permission to mate with your own ‘wife.’” And he air-quoted with his free hand.

Jack fumbled for something, anything, to say, and got nowhere. Daniel waved at Maynar and the high councilor, who were huddled together, casting frequent glances at Jack.

“Now what were you going to tell me about last night?” Daniel asked.

Carter was glancing Jack’s way, also, her eyes narrowed. As Jack watched, she left the women and headed straight for him.

Jack’s sex life passed before his eyes. 

“So, Daniel,” he said, hoping to sound smooth and unruffled. Smooth. Unruffled. Completely in control. “What are the chances I can convince you not to tell Carter about any of this?”

“Pretty slim.” Daniel handed Jack his plate and turned away, but not before Jack saw the gleam in his goddamned eye. “Oh, Sam?”

Shit. 

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt: “Aliens make them NOT do it, damn them.” 
> 
> The line from Jojo's “Of Elephants and Scientists” was borrowed with her permission.


End file.
